Hello… yes it’s me; I was wondering…. (Do you remember me?)
No, I cannot pull an Adele on this sight, laughing with my inside voice…
So did you hear; its 2016…was 2015 a blur? Did all your wishes come true in 2015?
Did you make any resolutions? Moreover, were they kept?
I didn’t make any resolutions…I didn’t have any goals, but I did wish for some things in 2015 –
My wishes were typical, Health, happiness and joy …I am wishing the same this year, with some additional wants , goals or reminders such as; being gracious, remembering to be thankful always, have more fun, laugh often, smile…be kind, love with passion, understand more….
On December 31, I sat in the same spot that I sit now, thinking I will finally write and post on this blog.
My intention on Thursday was to commemorate 2015 … I thought, humorously, I can write bits and pieces of my year; my very own 2015 from my various social network sights, you know which ones; Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, maybe Pinterest, and definitely Bitstrip. However, I did not write anything on New Year’s Eve nor did I commemorate 2015, because by the time my sorry ass started to write or brainstorm the idea, I realized that I really needed to leave the house to do some shopping. And above all else, I had to make sure that all of my errands were completed so that me and my family were ready to leave the house by 6:30, to make the 7:00pm dinner reservations that my sister made at a Hibachi/Japanese Restaurant, then called me with strict instructions not to be late…….
It’s funny and strange, and yet so accepting that these days, at any given time, we can refer to recent past events in our lives so easily. Almost everything is documented, and if it is not noted publicly – your events can be referred to from a private platform as well. Just open your pictures on your phone, or your text messages at the end of any week, I bet you can come up with at least 10 recollections or memories that occurred.
So I won’t bore you all, with my 2015 Facebook commentaries, because we all have these morsels of history…. But know that in 2015,I did my best, strived each day, went to work, sent my kids to school, and at the end of the day we all came home…a true blessing in itself.
For many months I have been quiet – still reading posts from blogs that I follow- sometimes commenting – sometimes keeping my thoughts to myself, yet not letting this go at all. I love to write I actually have 3 or 4 posts in Word that are not published yet– this one will make 5 if I don’t get my head in the game.
I am not sure what is going on…nothing changed physically – I still get up each day and go to work, come home, make dinner and take pictures of what we are having for dinner. I still write in my journal, and on scraps of papers I write down a thought, or a quote or I jot down my recipes of any new meals that I attempt or my regular dishes that I cook, as I said before I have 4 compositions in Word for SquaareKat, that are good topics, and informative as well. Yet I am not sure what’s really going on – maybe I’m in a rut, maybe I have a “brain cloud”…. (Smirk…referencing one of my favorite movies.)
Regardless what is going on …it’s happening – maybe its deflation, maybe I’m jaded. On the other hand, it could be my whole being; mind, body and soul, “saying enough, either you jump in, or you can sit there on the fence and do nothing for the rest of your life….you decide. In the meantime know this; while you sit there your brain will turn to mush ….”
That’s me, sitting on the fence; I have been here for so long it’s becoming comfortable. I can make that decision to jump fully into blogging, however, I said this before, and I have done this too often- taking time off. If I jump in now, what is to say that at another point in the future, near or far, I allow myself to take a break? Wow I know what that sounds like, I’m tough on me …but let me explain, taking time off to relax or vacation is definitely a need and acceptable – what is not acceptable for me anymore is to stop doing what I love to do because something went wrong, because I felt defeated…because, because, because…..
So many reasons right – and I tell myself it’s okay tomorrow you’ll write again….but I don’t. The truth is when something goes wrong, or I have a bad day, I take it personally – I was ready to post on New Year’s eve after midnight but after dinner at my sister’s house I was in the firing line of a family member….and I became this person’s target to try to ridicule and belittle me… I was deflated. My holiday was shot…and I thought the New Year would be ruined now with this negativity…
On Friday morning, I woke up feeling crushed – yet I was not going to let this person ruin everything. I continued with our New Year tradition, making our yearly eggs Benedict and French toast brunch. The kids gather our wish stones, we ate, wished each other a happy new year, and cast our stones at our beach with our New Year wishes written on them …my Aunt in Italy passed away that morning and it saddened me truly, that too could have stopped me, but I continued our ritual. For the sake of realizing that with every roadblock I encounter, yes I can acknowledge it …yes, I can grieve it, process it – but life will not end if I continue to enjoy what I enjoy at these sad or adverse times it just might look a little different.
Last night I was lied to. – Last year I was lied to also – (different lies of course and at different times too); lies is a defensive reaction- thinking that I can be fooled, and maybe I was a few times , but when it counts they get caught. It breaks my heart every single time; even when information is being withheld that is a lie too, nevertheless, promises were made and all was forgiven. However, when stuff like this happen, I get quiet, I don’t speak and they know how hurt I am, yet I go in a sort of a martyr like persona… that nothing makes me happy and how can I do something I enjoy when everything around me is a mess….
So I repeat, last night I was lied to. On Thursday evening I became the target of someone else’s conflict on a holiday, in my sister’s home, (I am so sorry about that.) – sadly, my aunt passed away she was my mom’s sister, she was funny, lived a long life, lived through some tragedies, but she carried on raising her children to be fine adults….
All of these things in the past would have sent me to bed to hide…but I didn’t hide and I am writing this piece to finish it ….because I cannot stop doing what I love when I’m conflicted, sad, and concerned. Being a fair weather writer is not beneficial – I need to write about the messes too… so that is my promise, not to you, but to me that I will still enjoy life even with the metaphoric piles of crap that are everywhere. I will continue to write when bad and, and of course, good things are being hurled at me, and lastly but more importantly, when an outside force has let me down, and everything in me feels like an open wound I will look in the mirror and whisper kind words to the fair weather writer.
Happy New Year, everyone; wishing you all a fine good year in 2016!
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6 Comments
Dyanne @ I Want Backsies
Ohhh, I know just how you are feeling, only you said it much better than I did! Usually, I find it therapeutic to write, but I haven't been able to write about my mom's deteriorating health, because she reads my blog and I don't want her to read a post like that.
If you're still on the fence, then you haven't picked a side. That's good. In the meantime, I enjoy following your life on Facebook, and I am forever grateful to you for all the nice comments you leave me. They truly mean the world to me.
Christine
You are far from being the only one feeling like this, but you expressed it well, unlike others of us. It's hard to write when you are feeling sad or mad or offended. Especially because you can't write about why you are feeling those things, seeing is how a blog is very public and the instances bothering you are not.
If I can't be funny, I have no desire to write. And I've gone through a very unfunny dry spell.
I'm glad to see you back here writing. I'm glad you were able to get off that fence at least for today. It's a start.
All the best to you and your family in 2016.
Marisa B
i am so sorry to hear that about your mom I had a feeling … writing is very therapeutic and I'm hoping that while I sit on the fence i am gradually leaning towards writing more..hopefully more anyway thank you ,thank you, my life on Facebook is somewhat censored, but not too much -just things how i feel about my job and if i'm leaving the house lol ….I enjoy reading your posts the last one was funny .. i forgot to mention on my comment how i get that you can definitely end up wearing your panties backwards…although i think the right pic is the front side right … l too love my VS panties 🙂
Marisa B
i wish i can be as funny as you and Dyanne.. i wish i can approach things more humorously … i think that everything i do is a process, right now i feel like i should get on a soap box and use this voice … i think as time moves and i get it out there than eventually my voice will be lighter and funny maybe witty LOL Thank You… thank you all the best to you and your family in 2016 as well…
tammy j
i've finally reached an age where i'm simply happy to BE here!
it dawned on me fully a few months ago and i went through a darker spell…
thinking "how very odd. i still FEEL 12 years old some days!" well only in mind. the body sometimes feels like 90.
i'm taking meds for high cholesterol and triglycerides… like you now.
and they're the pits. and yup. my beloved grapefruit juice is a no-no. but i indulge on occasion.
in the picturesque words of the brits… the next time THEY bully you for WHATEVER reason… family OR foe…
simply say sweetly… "oh for goodness sakes. please just bugger off!"
perfectly ladylike til the last! LOLOL.
you're a sweetheart. overworked. underpaid. talented. creative. unique.
and you're appreciated by those you'll never meet! XOXO♥
Marisa B
for those i'll never meet…Oh Tammy! thank you!