One Word, At A Time….

Yesterday I was told that my aura was sad, angst and in a fetal position…I normally do not hear things like that because well; as much as I am open to many new age nuances. I am not fully immersed in that world. Yes I practice yoga, yes I try to meditate and dabble with aromatherapy, however,

 although I am aware of an all mighty source I am not 100% sure what that truly is. 

Is it the Universe, or is it God?  Perhaps it is mother earth, sister sun, or brother water… I do not know.  Truly I do not know because all my life I have prayed, I think some of my prayers have been answered and some were not – I tried to be open to positivity and allowing the universe to lead me, or guide me or send me what I needed, or asked for. 

At times praying, meditating, letting go has filled me with more anxiety; maybe I am strong willed, perhaps my need and passion is strong?  Is that a good description or a cop out?

When I pray – I usually pray the Rosary, one day last week I decided to pray morning prayers instead, so I went on Google, and searched morning prayers then printed two or three morning prayers, a litany and a novena too. Some days I think meditation is the answer – I have five meditation Apps on my phone that for the life of me I do not know which one I prefer or if any work.

Lately, praying with the Rosary and reciting the morning prayers, novenas and litanies; has made me feel anxious.  Sitting on a chair or lying on the bed trying breathing exercises, or meditating has made me feel angst.

That is why I went to see my friend…everything about the visit was unexpected.  I was actually not surprised to hear that my aura affected the space near me or around me.  See that is something I do believe in; energy and how it affects us.  I am quite sensitive to certain energies changing the atmosphere – maybe because of my childhood and the upbringing that I endured, I developed a sense of the type of energy that was in the room when my father was there – will it be a good moment or should I run and disappear? 

Throughout my adult life, I have always tried to better myself, grow, learn and carry on, however, I actually carried on by putting my well-being aside (not on the back burner), but tucked in a corner on a shelf in a box out of sight. Telling myself, I will get to that when things are just right – when everything around me is balanced, at peace and calm.  Once my house is clean I can be happy, joyful and at peace. That is what I thought, that my well-being would appear when everything around me is perfect.

Today I am full of fear, angst, and in a fetal position. The weight of my world lies heavy on my chest, and sadly, I cannot find that darn box that held my joy, spark and heart. 

At the end of 2017, two family members fell ill and another suddenly left us….then 2018 was an albatross – not just because of taking care of two elderly parents, but I was also dealing with growing pains, trust issues and a new budget not- so- friendly life style.  

Sadly, in the summer we lost another family member- all of this affected me greatly.  My joy, spark, and heart would have to wait and looked for some other time, the guilt to do something joyful, or feel enjoyment was overbearing, and still heavy; so my happiness will have to wait.   

Yet I knew how that sounded and what it was doing to me – I stopped writing on my blogs and stopped being me.  I know that everything that I described is real life; it is realty.  However scary or serious the situation was or is – one cannot hold their breath as I have for the last almost 18 months waiting for more real to come without exhaling….

I need to exhale now; I need to accept what has happened and what is happening; deal with what comes my way but allow me to ease my guilt, find and feel joy, and calibrate my energy not only to ease me but to comfort everyone around me too.

I have no idea how I will do that – they say baby steps, one day at a time… maybe that is a start I have been holding my breath for so long it will not be easy; but it should not be hard either. 

To allow joy back into my life, to find what makes be happy for now it will need to be one word at a time.