One Word, At A Time….

On Saturday I was told that my aura was sad, angst and in a fetal position…I normally do not hear things like that because well; as much as I am open to many new age nuances. I am not fully immersed in that world. Yes, I practice yoga, yes I try to meditate and dabble with aromatherapy, however, although I am aware of an all mighty source I am not 100% sure what that truly is. 

Is it the Universe, or is it God?  Perhaps it is mother earth, sister sun, or brother water… I do not know.  Truly I do not know because all my life I have prayed, I think some of my prayers have been answered and some were not – I tried to be open to positivity, allowing the universe to lead me, or guide me, or send me what I needed, or asked for. 

At times praying, meditating, letting go has filled me with more anxiety; maybe I am strong willed, perhaps my need and passion are strong?  Is that a good description or a cop-out?

When I pray – I usually pray the Rosary, last week I decided to pray morning prayers instead, so I went on Google and searched morning prayers then printed two or three prayers, a litany, and a novena too. Some days I think meditation is the answer – I have five meditation Apps on my phone that for the life of me I do not know which one I prefer or if any work.

Lately, praying to ask for my prayers to be answered has made me feel anxious.  Sitting on a chair or lying on the bed trying breathing exercises, or meditating has made me feel angst.

That is why I went to see my friend…everything about the visit was unexpected.  I was actually not surprised to hear that my aura affected the space near me or around me.  See that is something I do believe in; energy and how it affects us.  I am quite sensitive to certain energies changing the atmosphere – maybe because of my childhood and the upbringing that I endured, I developed a sense of the type of energy that was in the room when my father was there – will it be a good moment or should I run and disappear? 

Throughout my adult life, I have always tried to better myself, grow, learn and carry on, however, I actually carried on by putting my well-being aside (not on the back burner), but tucked in a corner high on a shelf in a box out of sight. Telling myself, I will get to that when things are just right – when everything around me is balanced, at peace and calm.  Once my house is clean I can be happy, joyful and at peace. That is what I thought, that my well-being would appear when everything around me was perfect.

Today I am full of fear, angst, and in a fetal position. The weight of my world lies heavy on my chest, and sadly, I cannot find that darn box that held my joy, spark, and heart. 

At the end of 2017, two family members fell ill and another suddenly left us….then 2018 was an albatross – not just because of taking care of two elderly parents, but I was also dealing with growing pains, trust issues and a not-so-friendly lifestyle along with an austerity budget.  

In the summer of 2018, we sadly lost another family member- all of this affected me greatly.  My joy, spark, and heart would have to wait and looked for some other time.  The guilt to do something joyful or feel enjoyment was overbearing, and still today a heavy load; therefore my happiness will have to wait a bit longer.   

Although I knew, how that sounded, and what it was doing to me. I stopped writing on my blogs and stopped doing things I enjoyed.  Realistically, everything that I have described is real life. and not in my power to change any of it.

However scary or serious the situation was or still is – one cannot hold their breath for as long as I have, waiting for more real to come my way, without exhaling….

I need to exhale; I need to accept what has happened, and what is currently happening. Learn to deal with whatever comes my way, seek, and grasp that joy; when it is at arms reach. Then calibrate my energy not only to put me at ease but to comfort everyone around me too. Let me not forget it all must be done without fear, and guilt.

I have no idea how I will do that – find joy again – it has been too long. They say baby steps or some say one day at a time… that might be a start I have been holding my breath for so long it will not be easy. 

In all honesty for me to allow joy back into my life, to find what makes me happy for now it will need to be one word at a time.